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Bender and Other Meatball Misadventures
Except, not really. Let's face it, Snooki owned the press this week. Otherwise, Sam and Ron continued their romantic reign of terror on the innocent people of Florence. (Seriously, if we're stuck with another season of these two throwing large objects at each others' heads, we're going to hunt down Snooki, figure out where she's driving to, and lie in the middle of the road in anticipation of being run down by her j'amazeballs driving skills - just to spare ourselves the misery.) The Italian media reiterated their utmost disgust at their nation's current infestation of macaroni rascals by dubbing the Jersey Shore crew "supercafoni" (translation: too dumb to function). Which is, like, duh times 10. Admittedly, our favorite tidbit from the Italian press has to be from one particularly poetic journalist who referred to the gang as "super muscular, tattooed beer lovers." Which, sure, is kind of true? But it's also as vaguely descriptive as calling Real Housewives' Kim Zolciak a "super wigged, flat-faced cigarette lover." All the ingredients are there, but it just loses something in translation.
Anyway! The weekend is upon us, Jersey Shore fans. Enjoy the carefree, early-summer sunshine, and rest easy in the fact that next week, we're bound to bring you even more too-insane-to-be-true-but-still-it's-true news from your favorite wayward guidos abroad. Until next time!
It was the accident heard 'round the world! In a deliciously ironic twist of fate, cheap online cigarettes the world's most tasteless meatball, Snooki, haplessly rammed the Fiat she was carelessly driving into a car full of Italian police officers whose only job - whose very reason for being! - was to protect the safety and integrity of the newport cigarettes Jersey Shore cast. Yes, the word you're searching your brain for is probably something like, "Oops".
Remember back in 1995? When Alanis Morissette wooed the world with a song called "Ironic"? Except the only ironic thing about the entire song was that Alanis wholesale marlboro cigarettes had a ginormous language-fail in which she completely Snookified (a new verb, meaning "to run down with one's car" the very word she was singing about? Yes, well now would be the perfect opportunity for Lady Morissette to dust off that diddy, change a few lyrics, and top the charts with a "Candle in the Wind"-esque homage to what has to be the most ridonculous piece of news since, well, two weeks ago, when Meatball #2, Deena, nearly fell off of a bridge.
Sadly, Snooki wasn't arrested, or shipped off to 15 years of hard labor in some Sicilian penal colony. (Although, on second thought, would Snooki really mind being sent to work on something called a "penal colony"? Answer: No.) Instead, the po-po Italiano took away Snooki's license for a few days, and the pint-sized guidette made a mockery of the entire ordeal by parading around Florence in a faux neck brace. Which is hilarious! - insofar as it's not clever, funny, or interesting at all.
On the bright side, an Italian-American cultural organization stepped forward, denounced Snooki's actions as nothing more than a publicity stunt, and promised, upon her return to the States, to club her knees and deliver horse heads to her bed a la The Godfather. Kidding! Because those are crazy stereotypes, right? A viciously angry group with the weight of generations of cultural insensitivity on their backs would never do any of those things to poor, defenseless little Snooks, right? Right?!
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